antm cycle 16 episode 1!!!!!

hooray season premier! sorry for the delay, but as you all know i live in germany and american television can be a little hard to come by.

thank you, tyra, for realizing how totally ridiculous your show is and poking fun at it a little. please don't ever try to act, tyra, (or sing for that matter, but it's too late for that) but i've always thought you do really good impressions of people, and this was no exception. my favorite part? "my favorite designer is hello kitty!!" and thus would go my imaginary conversation with tyra banks...

the "casting week" twist was interesting, but left the horribly awful hanging question: what the HELL did they tell the girls who THOUGHT they got on the show?? "yeeeeeah.... uh, small change here. you're actually not on the show... yeah, we were just kidding. haha!" maybe they were actresses? tyra DID say that while the girls were mingling, she and jay were "selecting"... but maybe that's just a crock of reality television bull. we may never know...

so since it's the first episode and i can never keep anyone straight until at least 3 episodes in, let's see if i can drudge up some bitchery for each of the girls as we attempt to remember all their names.

brittani: i can see how she could be an instant fan fave, although with top model you never know. she might be a total bitch next week! but cmon, she lives in a trailer park. who doesn't love a rags to riches story? her pic was good and her walk was fierce, but she comes off almost too young looking for me. and it looks like she's in for a pretty unfortunate makeover... yowza...

jaclyn: wow. i am ashamed of myself that my pre-show pic for the win turned out to be this season's vaguely retarded southern girl. her voice is just unreal. is it real??? can it be?? in pictures she looks like she could possibly pass for a model (from the mid 90's), but in person she looks a little... puffy? bloated? i guess that's the "baby face" she keeps talking about, but all i can think about is her damn baby voice! "what if i can't get out of that bubble and i'm stuck in there for the rest of my life??"

this pic is vaguely reminiscent of cindy crawford, so at least she's got that going for her. it certianly ain't her brains.

mikaela: you know i'm always rooting for the "different" looking girls, but she may be just a little too different, even for me. her features individually are quite striking, but put them all together and she looks like a creepy alien. i think it would help if they spread her eyebrows a little bit. lets hope she makes it to makeovers!

dominique: "WE AIN'T GOT NO BEDS!" okay. there's not a lot i can say that isn't immediately obvious. she's the sassy black bitch and unfortunately for her, she's got no talent. i watched this episode with my room mate lisa and we could not stop shouting at each other "WE AIN'T GOT NO BEDS!" priceless.

blah.

alexandria: no. no. no. no. no. wannabe melrose (older, ambitious, bossy type), but she's got no goods to back it up. her picture looked decent, but defeated the whole idea which was to look candid. who pulls their hair back and sticks their chest out when someone is applying lip gloss to them? gross. and that interview outfit? her skin looks pink, her hair looks yellow, and that hat looks like a damn christmas present.

molly: "i'm a big dork. i was a band major, a total band geek." thats all she says. but check out this shot from the opening montage:

no. effing. way. the girl majored in EUPHONIUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am so behind her 1000 percent. her shot was miles ahead of everyone else and she deserved best photo. enjoy that totally awesome cross necklace, courtesy of erin wasson.

hannah: she seems sweet and cool, but something about her is almost sacharine and fake. she's always got the animae make up and pig tails going on, and just reminds me too much of a teen pop star... or one of the olsen twins...

see? ashely olsen. and yes, i can tell them apart.

angelea: was not my pick to be ousted this episode. who knows why they make the decisions they do; she didn't seem any more or less interesting than the others, except for the obvious bitches and the obvious fan faves. what drives me nuts about this show is how the producers can make any decision they want simply by pulling the very worst picture out of a girl's roll of film to get her eliminated. look at this still shot and tell me you don't think she had a better one than the one they chose.

dalya: didn't hear from her at all. i think i can say i don't know a thing about her. but her photo had potential, even if it wasn't as outgoing as the others. if she doesn't get more camera time, though, i'm afraid she'll probably get the boot.

nicole: also didn't hear from her at all. casting was annoying and i think caused me to loose brain cells, but at least you got to know the girls a little bit. anyway, it looked like mr. fancy photographer let her down on this one! if the judges say it's a bad photo, i'd say it's not her fault.

sarah: looks like a gay guy i know. only he is prettier.

my gay friend:

you be the judge!

ondrei: i like her face, but she seems a little lost and out of her element. it was nice of the judges not to mention her runway spill.

kasia: the fiercely real plus size girl! not like all those fake plus size girls. THIS girl is ACTUALLY a size 10!!! gaaaaaaaasp!!!!! meh. she seems cocky, and when she walked on the runway (not in the bubble, but in the opening scene at the airport) she was completely bow legged.

monique: this is the girl whose pre-show shot actually offended me. and in person she has proved to look no better. what is she doing here?

in this photo, she looks like audrina patridge from the hills. and that's not a compliment.

as with most top model runway shows, the concept was completely unrealistic and ludicrous. however, this was the first time the challenge seemed just plain mean. what in god's name are you SUPPOSED to do if you fall in the water? you're in a goddamn bubble! you thought it was awkward to watch on the show? just think of how it must have been person! it just didn't seem right for them to do that to the girls.

poor ondrei actually seemed kinda nice.

to add insult to injury were the awful clothes they put them in. i have no idea who the designer was, but dear god. when did oversized pastel baggy golden girls sweaters come back into fashion? just because you paired it with one of erin wasson's cross necklaces (yea that took a lot of talent to design, btw) doesn't make it high fashion. and the winner gets... a piece of erin's shitty jewelry!!! worst. prize. ever.

oh, and WHAT was going on when they got their tyra mail? did anyone else notice that the girls were all wearing swim suits over their clothes with garbage bags on their heads? makes you wonder how much crazy shit they end up cutting that we will never see.

see what i mean about the animae thing? i think i'll call her hannimae.

some thoughts about the judges/ judging:

andre leon talley has abandoned the silk snuggie! noooo! but i am diggin that vaguely bavarian looking hat...

nigel barker has renamed what was already universally known as "duck face" to "cat's bottom." i've heard that in person he's actually a very attractive man, but this will make you think twice about that.

next week: what do you all think the big reveal will be? unexpected pregnancy? illness? also, please comment! i want to know what YOUR bitchy thoughts are, too!